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For the past six years, my artwork has been the focus of my life. I have put an extraordinary amount of effort into my artwork, and I think I've accomplished a lot given that fact. I'm incredibly passionate about it, and I would never have been able to put in all of the work that I have on it if not for that passion. Art for me has never felt like a choice, but rather a destiny and a calling. I know no other life outside of art.
But also for the past six years, my social life has decreased immensely. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I haven't had any friends in six years. I'm not blaming it on my involvement with my artwork, but who know's what toll that has taken on my social life. There have been people that I talk to, always only in structured situations like class or work, etc and most of the people I talk to have been on the internet. My relationships are shallow. There is no one I talk to on any level of depth.
I used to have friends when I was young, in fact I had a LOT of friends up until 7th or 8th grade. Then things started to decline. I started focusing on my artwork, for one thing, and I stopped actively making new friends. The old friends I used to have started to change, in some cases becoming really rather mean to me, but I continued being friends with them regardless. Eventually, in high school, I got fed up with them being disconnected with and even mean to me and I stopped hanging out with them (at school, I mean. We didn't hang out after school for years. In fact, I haven't spent any time with anyone from school outside of school for these past six years.) I never made other friends. Then in college, there are people I speak to casually but I haven't made any "real" friends. There's no one that I hang out with outside of class.
I became very depressed during high school, even suicidal for a period of time. I was extremely fat, weighing around 250 pounds at the heaviest period. I've now lost a huge amount of weight (I weigh around 145 now) and I'm no longer depressed, but I still feel a pervading and unshakable loneliness. There are periods when I'm truly happy, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm losing out on human connection, which is perhaps the most fundamental pleasure of human existence.
I have never been invited to a party in my life. Also, I've never had a girlfriend (I'm male.)
Before you recommend that I "get out more," know that I don't spend my life sheltered from the outside world. I have a job as an attendant and so I'm interacting with people constantly as part of my job. And then I'm at school most other days. I've tried going to school clubs and events, but I haven't ever connected with anybody at them.
I don't think I'm repulsive. I'm very kind, or at least I make a conscious effort to be as kind and nice as possible. I'm not ugly, or so I think. I'm fairly talented and interesting, which should entice some people. And I'm decent company. I'm not an asshole, like the people I knew high school were. I'm just very introverted, but I'd hope people would be kind enough to see through that.
Honestly, it has just been so long since I've made a friend that I really don't know how to do it anymore. HOW do people make friends?! (Don't say, "it just kind of happens which is INFURIATING.") Obviously I don't know how to do that.
And don't recommend therapy. I'm not in therapy at the moment, but I've gone through a lot of it over the past few years, especially during high school. It helps some, but not much.
This is part rant, and part discussion. What do you think I should do to help my situation?
Also have there been any famous artists in history that were essentially islands unto themselves?
Last edited by River Man; March 10th, 2012 at 03:23 AM.