Critique Center where Version 1 is currently residing:
Below are the versions 1.2, and a completely new version 2.0 of the idea! Both are now WIP's...
I took Stoats advice and dug around until I found a noise filter! This time I didn't use the Gausian blur at all. Hopefully the image is conveyed much more clearly! Noise and RGB noise was used. I think I'll play with the settings and see if I can't keep it more greenish. I also took Stoats advice about lightening up the background around the PJ fast roping down (rappelling out of a helicopter is called fast roping!). After all, without that, the image is useless and relies solely on the caption and the imagination of the viewer to be exactly in tune with my mind (a rather week way to communicate an idea across!).
A couple of things. In the second picture, the PJ is real obscure, I can't really see any defining shapes to him at all. Looks like a grey mass on the line.
Second, the body of the UH-60 looks too short. That main compartment has three rows of seets in it and just doesn't look long enough in the painting. The nose and cockpit don't flow like a blackhawks either, looks a bit close to a cobra nose.
And there is a difference between fast roping and rappelling. Fast rope has no harnes or safety gear, it's a free slide controlled only by the jumpers hands and feet. Rappelling runs through the harness and carbiner and is controlled by the brake hand.
Ooooh the text. "Degree" should be lower-cased. "They're" should be "their." The first "sentence" is a fragment, and though I adore me some fragments....it doesn't help when the first fragment runs into the second. Maybe help the transition and keep the fragment impact by using "." or "--" or "..." inbetween "'em" and "High." Don't forget the period on the end of the slogan.
Typography-wise....you're using a rounded, "soft" font. It would probably fit the piece better if you used a structed, angular font. I might put the slogan (which is also the ironic punch-line) into all capitals for maximum impact. Color is a little intense. Maybe choose one of the "bright" colors from the spot light in the piece? It'll make them mesh better instead of looking like an add-on.
Thanks for critique. I'll see if I can't get the drawing to communicate more clearly.
Miriana; thanks for the correction on my sentence structure and the recommendations for font! I never thought about what the font would do for the composition...
Last edited by Sudsy; August 1st, 2008 at 03:54 PM. Reason: Missed something
I assume Fourth Nail knows what he's talking about, and I know Mirana does (at least, I agree with those type recommendations)...but still, the second design kicks several types of ass compared to the first.
I was once on the receiving end of a critique so savagely nasty, I marched straight out of class to the office and changed my major (sketchbook).
Following a bit of Mirana's advice about the sentence, mainly with using a more angular font. Perhaps I should make it this font but Italic?
I've posted my reference image to show the perspective of the Pave Hawk a bit more. I don't think I'm going to modify it much from the reference... I think I go the perspective right, but I'd be glad to get a few more opinions on that! I'll be taking another look at the helo perspective with the images posted together myself... Its just a thumbnail on the reference, for the full view see my link in the first post!
I did try to add more form to the PJ fast roping in! If there are any changes I make, it'll probably be using the rule of threes to get the PJ in one of the areas the eye is drawn to. I think the Fast Rope provides some of that along with the lights... The lights kinda draw the eye in, and then it follows the fast rope. If it doesn't, let me know. After all, I drew it thinking this, but another set of eyes is the best way to figure out if it works or not!
I do believe the gag might only really be working on a military audience now... I've shortened the sentences quite a bit. College education refers to the fighter pilot community, and Diploma refers to the enlisted men who pull them out of harms way when something goes wrong... In this particular piece...
Eh, I got the joke once I figured out where the breaks were in your sentence structure. Still missing a period at the end, but it's a much better font. Reminiscent of the old bare-bones military computer fonts which are usually used on military movies and such, so good call. I wouldn't go italic. There's no reason to and it makes the sentences have less impact. Speaking of, what happened to the slogan?
Are you referring to the old pictures line "USAF Pararescue; that other may live" as the punchline? If so, I figured they're beret flash in the lower right corner would suffice and I'd cut it out to keep redundancy down...
...now maybe I could list where the pilots get stuck again!
Okay, I can see that...but the logo is so transparent and the font so bright that the words completely overpower the logo. You might try brighting the logo, or dulling down the words and see which looks best and if it integrates better.